The Cult of Qelqoth

Wolfman Journals: Internet Support

Ever since obtaining my degree in Applied Social Science, I’ve been wanting to give something back to my community. It was only through perusing The Hull Daily Mail where I discovered an opening at the local library. They required a dynamic assistant, someone with a strong IT background who could provide professional Internet support to their clientèle.

Their main demographic comprised of elderly residents and being new to the Internet, they required a friendly and experienced tutor who could help them adjust to our modern world. After noticing the vacancy, I felt that my extensive knowledge of networking and the Internet would give me the edge when I applied for the role. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: 2girls1cup, adult humour, applied social science, Bizarre, cardiac arrest, Goatse Marathon, hull daily mail, internet support, internet users, Journals, omfg, Over Nine Thousand, pace maker, Satire, world war ii

Laughter, Tears As “Bush Administration” Wraps

Washington, D.C. — Between takes, the usual clowning and good-natured sexual harassment on set of The Bush Administration is tinged with melancholy. Because the cast knows that today, the landmark sitcom wraps production on its 8th and final season.

The series finale, set to air in January 2009, marks the end of an era. The Bush Administration was an immediate sensation when it debuted in Fall 2000. Viewers were captivated by its darkly comic depictions of deception, blood lust and greed. Many critics have credited the series with reviving the dying sitcom genre. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: Al Gore, An Inconvenient Truth, bloodlust, Bush, bush administration, cancellation, Cocaine, comedy, Dick Cheney, Entertainment Weekly, Fox, greed, Humor, Iran, John McCain, jump the shark, Karl Rove, melancholy, movies, Oliver Stone, Politics, president, Randy Travis, reality show, residuals, Saddam Hussein, Satire, sexual harassment, sitcom, spin-off, television, TV, vice president, villain, W

Learning Is Fun: Religion

Religion is a common form of schizoaffective disorder in which the sufferer experiences hallucination known as ‘fervours’. The only known cure is a procedure known as ‘Prefrontal Leucotomy’ where holes are drilled into the sufferer’s cranium. These holes are then infused with Remy Martin Coeur De Cognac in an attempt to destroy the affected tissues. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: adult humour, biopic, church cathedral, fantasy novel, forms of entertainment, Head Lice, jesus christ, jumble sales, leucotomy, malibu, paralytic man, peculiarity, relics, religious relic, remy martin, roadie, salivating, Satire, stag party, sufferer, the bible, van gogh, wooden cross, woodstock

Landmark Article Deemed Uninteresting

Newport, Wales — It would only end in tears. The Cult of Qelqoth finally pushed all boundaries of social acceptance when their latest news post, “Landmark Article Deemed Uninteresting”, did exactly what it said on the tin, infuriating a slew of former subscribers and regular site visitors in the process. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: audience, Cult, domestic spider, fucking waste, landmark, newport wales, News, news post, reputation, Satire, social acceptance, subscribers, superiority, waste of my time

Cure For Stupidity Found

New York, NY — Recent studies conducted by the National Rifle Association show that bullets cure stupidity in some 98% of all applications. Because of the decline in the process of natural selection, the NRA began an investigation to see if there was another way to control over-population and weed out the weak-minded.

Results indicate that execution style shootings resolve both of these issues in the majority of all instances. There are certain instances where this solution is not effective, but typically a second lead injection will remedy even the most severe cases of stupidity. NRA spokesman, Jonathan Hanson Jr. issued the following statement earlier. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: Adult-Humor, cervical cancer, crimes against humanity, Democrats, heart disease, homosexuals, jonathan hanson, lead injection, modern medicine, moronic behavior, national rifle association, natural selection, New York NY, News, nra spokesman, observation posts, oncoming traffic, Paralysis, Satire, social security insurance, stupidity, traffic signals, treatment of cancer

National Geographic Reports Animal Gayness

London, England — Volatile baptists could be ready for another war on homosexuality, online sources have revealed. According to National Geographic, new trends of gayness have been witnessed in the animal kingdom, with dolphins and sheep up front while orangutans take the rear.

But is this news? Not exactly. While National Geographic is correct to acknowledge that certain animals defy the laws of nature, these accounts are only the tip of the iceberg. The indisputable fact remains that animal gayness has been with us for some time and sadly, it doesn’t want to leave. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: adult humour, animal kingdom, braided hair, ceramic plates, earth child, Gay, gayness, homosexuality, laws of nature, Lesbian, london england, mystic moon, National Geographic, nauseating, new age store, News, pan pipes, sarcasm, Satire, song of the dolphins

Online Military Operations Finally Improve

Manhattan, NY — In an effort to modernise and improve online paramilitary operations, The United Nations has finally unveiled a revolutionary communications tool - The Blogger Phonetic Alphabet.

Engineered and developed by NATO scientists, The Blogger Phonetic Alphabet allows military operations to communicate effectively when entering foreign weblogs. Reports say that this new phonetic alphabet could radicalise military defence and communications on a massive scale. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: commanding officer, communications tool, Cult, Humour, imminent danger, inbound links, internet acronyms, lulz, manhattan ny, military communication, military defence, military operations, nato, News, para, phonetic alphabet, Satire, united nations

Learning Is Fun: The Bank

A bank is a kiss of vampires where regular customers will deposit and withdraw money under the scrutiny of vampiric scum.

These monies are typically governed by a demonic overlord called a ‘Nazi Obergruppenfuhrer’ although they are more commonly known as ‘Bank Managers’.

It is the Bank Manager who has an entourage of fawning, sycophantic familiars called ‘Tellers’ and ‘Business Advisers’.

Any customer who uses a bank must first open what is known as a ‘Bank Account’ (though there are a number of other appellations) and they will then put all the money they own into this account. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: bank managers, business advisers, demonic overlord, kiss of vampires, risky stocks, Satire, staff members, tellers, vampiric scum, welfare benefits

Superhero Saves Portland

Portland, OR — The heroin addiction capital of the United States finally has someone to confide in. A mysterious caped crusader known only as “Zetaman” is fighting hard to rid the world of head lice, hives and capitalist subjugation. Whatever.

Zetaman, the unplanned ass child of Aquaman and Green Arrow, took his inspiration from nerdy comic books where he learned the cosmic secret of looking gay in spandex.

Since then, he has taken to the streets, operating as a modern day vigilante against the might of social oppression. Yawn. Yawn. Yawn. Yawn. Yawn. Yawn. Yawn. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: aquaman, bum fights, caped crusader, cosmic secret, fanny pack, gayness, green arrow, Head Lice, Heroin, heroin addiction, Humor, hypodermic needle, legendary career, midnight wind, physical harm, Portland, recycling service, sarcasm, Satire, social oppression, subjugation, traffic cone, vigilante, Zetaman

Active Cults Today: The Stanists

The Playahata compound is a small community near the ghost town of Calico in the Mojave desert. It is home to the Stanists, a small cult founded in 1993 by Ivan Oder, an ex-member of Polish paramilitary organisation, the Dupek Liberation Front.

In 1992, disillusioned with the thankless task of splitting peasants heads open with the butt of his AUG, Oder stowed away in a truck full of diseased cattle who were on way to be auctioned to various fast food franchises across California. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: adult publications, Adult-Humor, base of operations, bbc radio 4, bizarre religious movement, britney spears, convenience store, ecclectic mixture, fall out boy, fast food franchises, Gerbil Flayer, ghost town, Led Zepplin, liberation front, midi system, Mojave Desert, Nihilistic Cult, paramilitary organisation, Pokemon Rap, Satire, secret message, Stan Ridgway, The Doors, The Eagles, Wall Of Voodoo